Finding Peace

by Jay (212)

Issue 25
Spring 2004

 
Hi everyone, happy New Year. I hope your Christmas was as good as mine, too much to eat, too much to drink and time to enjoy it. This short article has taken nearly 7 years to write! I have found it nearly impossible to write something of interest - until recently...

For those who don't know me I should explain, I had my surgery in 1995, whilst being thrilled with the physical results, I was devastated by the emotional effect. Over night I had lost my libido and my dressing in female role suddenly seemed ridiculous. I struggled on for another 2 years. During that 2 years I was thrown out of my fathers house, I moved into a small village (hoping to hide away), was targeted by the local thugs, had my car wrecked twice and I was stoned in the street.

At this point I had to move again, I was very lucky to be offered a nice apartment which I still live in. But, the locals here would not accept me as Jane either. So I took the monumental decision to live in male role. This decision nearly ended my life, so low was I feeling, I tried suicide. That was in 1997. It has taken me 6 years of bloody hard work to get where I am today - rational!

Some may feel I took the easy option, but I have to tell them, there is nothing easy in living in the wrong role, others will say that I am not a true transsexual, to them I say, it is a condition of the mind and my mind is not changed. What I have had to come to terms with is the mind set that says I am who I am. I am no longer full of machismo, I am no longer lusting, I am no longer on a high, I have taken the feelings of others into account, I am content.

I am 110% supportive of those who can live in their chosen role, I am happy for them, but I also know that there are many individuals who cannot survive in their preferred roles. I want to be here for them as well. I want to wipe out the argument that says there is no choice, there are choices, but no easy ones.

I am very lucky in that I have a 15 year-old daughter, who I see regularly. This would not have been possible if I had stayed in female role, her mother would not have allowed it. I find being a Dad very difficult, but it is worth the effort. I have also been lucky to have had a mother who has supported me so fully through all the hard times.

I have set all this out to demonstrate that I have been through the same gruelling circumstances that you may be tackling. I have first hand experience and the benefit of hindsight, so I know what I'm talking about. Marriage, divorce, living in role, dressing, passing, surgery, post-op emotions, reconciliation and contentment. I also have experience of relationships both pre and post operatively.

So whatever your circumstances, chances are that I would be able to relate and empathise, if I am out of my depth at any point, I will tell you so. Gender bending is not glamorous, it is not accepted and it is not easy!