WOMEN OF THE BEAUMONT SOCIETY (WOBS)
By Wives and Partners
- Q: I can't stand the thought of making love with my husband when he is dressed. Do I have to?
A: No-one should be forced into a situation that they find intolerable. Anything goes in the bedroom ONLY as long as both people enjoy it.
- Q: I quite like making love when my husband is dressed as a woman. Does this make me a lesbian?
A: No! You are making love to a man; this cannot be changed by the wearing of womens' clothes. However, it may be enough to satisfy your fantasies!
- Q: My husband wants us to be lesbian lovers and will only make love when he is crossdressed. I hate the idea; he says I am being selfish. Who is right?
A: Sadly, your husband is not taking your feelings into account. Lesbian love is his fantasy not yours. He needs to understand that he cannot force you into a situation which you cannot tolerate. You cannot change your sexual orientation unless you feel that it is right for you.
- Q: Making love with my husband when he is crossdressed has made me think about my own sexuality. I now realise that I would like a REAL GIRL lover; not a man who acts like a woman. How do I tell him?
A: He may be quite excited about the idea, or feel rejected. You will need to talk about how you feel your relationship is going to progress. A Relate counsellor may be a useful intermediary.
- Q: I've gone off my husband completely now I know about his crossdressing and I don't fancy him at all. Should I leave him?
A: This is a natural reaction but time often heals. Ask your husband to restrict his crossdressing to when you can't see it or be aware of it. Once you are no longer confronted with it you may find that you can re-establish your bond with him. Suggest that he joins a group where he can indulge his pastime regularly without imposing it on you.
- Q: I'm sure that my husband must be gay. He insists that he isn't but I'm not convinced.
A: Most crossdressers are heterosexual (about 75%). The other 25% are made up of gay, bi-sexual or celibate men. However, some crossdressers may adopt effeminate behaviour when dressed. This is more to do with their GENDER identity than their sexuality.
- Q: My husband wants our young children to become used to him crossdressing from an early age. I'm not at all happy about this but he insists that it is better for them to be told properly rather than find out by accident. Surely young children should not be exposed to this?
A: Each family deals with this question in their own way. The perceived difficulty is how to ask young children to keep a secret if there is nothing wrong happening. Many children are told from an early age and experts believe that it is not at all harmful to them; children adapt better when they are younger. However, most families prefer to keep the behaviour separate from family life.
- Q: I feel so guilty. It must be some thing I did as a mother. Where did I go wrong?
A: You didn't; one thing we can guarantee is that it is not yours (or anybody's) fault.
- Q: I caught him once wearing his sister's clothes as a child but thought that he would grow out of it. Why didn't he?
A: Crossdressing is for life and does not go away. It is nearly always established in childhood but many parents are unaware of the behaviour because it is such a secretive act. Most mothers will assume that crossdressing in children is the same as dressing up; comparatively few children are diagnosed as crossdressers. (Very young children experiment with dressing up but this is not necessarily an indication of crossdressing. Dressing up usually occurs spontaneously and openly and will involve other children as a group game).
- Q: Why didn't he tell me about it? We've always been so close?
A: Children sense that they are doing something unusual which they believe will make their parents angry. They have no role models so believe that they are unique.
- Q: I should have taken him to a doctor when I first saw him doing it. Surely he could have cured him?
A: Many medical techniques have been employed over several generations to try to halt this practise. None have worked. The behaviour is now believed to be innate and as it is not an illness it cannot be 'cured'.
- Q: I would like to support my son but my husband will not let me and has threatened to reject my son if he continues with the behaviour. I do not want to cause a family rift but my loyalties are divided. How can I resolve the situation to the satisfaction of both my husband and my son?
A: Many fathers find the subject very painful to confront and prefer to avoid it if at all possible. Suggest that he phone one of the Helplines for understanding. If this is not the solution he is looking for it is often better not to press the point. Wise mothers may then take the discretionary approach.
- Q: I suppose this means that he can never marry and have a normal family?
A: There is absolutely no reason for him not to marry; many crossdressers are heterosexual married men with children. Encourage him to enjoy young women as friends before embarking on a serious relationship. He will probably find someone who will like him for himself, who he can trust and divulge his 'secret' to. The most successful relationships stem from honesty right from the beginning so that girlfriends have an opportunity to explore his crossdressing with him before making a serious commitment.
- Q: My daughter-in-law is very angry and blames me for my son's crossdressing. How can I help her to come to terms with the truth and still retain her friendship?
A: Try not to be too defensive. Offer her your support and understanding but try not to take sides. Learn together as a family by reading the appropriate material, watching programmes on television and communicating in a matter-of-fact way. Her disappointment in your son may reduce considerably if she can view the situation logically. Make sure that she feels loved and valued and recognise that her confidence and self-esteem may have been damaged.
What the Papers Say
IT'S NOT FUNNY! Maybe the readers of The Mail on Sunday (05/09/99, United Press) had a smirk or two but for many women throughout the world variations of this shocking scenario are all too real.
Did you know that possibly up to 100 women in the UK alone each year are presented to psychiatric wards suffering from the shock of discovering their loved one's secret? In some cases they have been subjected to many years of psychological and emotional abuse due to the effect of Gender Dysphoria in their loved ones life - the violent mood swings for instance.
Often the women are too traumatised to tell Health professionals under whose care they are delivered about their experiences and in some cases, when they do so they are accused by their loved ones of being untruthful and paranoid.
Women may also seek refuge in hostels while others are too brow beaten to change their circumstances. It is important to note that NOT ALL T* PEOPLE BEHAVE THIS WAY BUT THERE IS A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER WHO DO!
© Copyright Women Of the Beaumont Society (WOBS)
1999 amended 05.09.04