WOMEN OF THE BEAUMONT SOCIETY (WOBS)

 

Book Review

"She's Not the Man I Married" by Helen Boyd

First published in Beaumont Society Magazine
Vol 16 issue 3 September 2008

When the opportunity to write a review of Helen Boyd's "She's Not the Man I Married" was given, I had a million and one flashbacks to when I picked up Helen's books to read. I'm a thirty something genetic female, slim, attractive secretary. My husband is a 40 something slim, attractive genetic male who broke down in tears after an evening out on the beers and told me he was transgendered. He'd been building up to breaking some sort of news to me while we were dating and engaged, and I have to admit to being somewhat relieved at being told he feels most comfortable when dressed in women's clothes, and his favourite shade of lipstick is "Plum". I had convinced myself that the news he was plucking up the courage to tell me was that he had some teenage child somewhere who was probably going to come knocking in a few years time. I didn't really appreciate at that time how his actual news would affect me though. I didn't know what sort of emotional rollercoaster I was about to embark upon in this new part of our relationship.

So what's that got to do with some woman from New York who writes under the name of Helen Boyd? Well, while my husband was having a shopping binge having told me about his trans self, I was having a frantic internet research binge, trying to understand what happens next after your partner tells you that he's a cross dresser/transgendered something or other. That's when I discovered Helen Boyd.

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"She's Not the Man I Married" is Helens' second book, her first being "My Husband Betty" which explores the whole broad umbrella of transgender. At the start of "She's Not the Man I Married", Helen speaks of how people wanted to know more about actually being in a trans relationship, and she certainly delivers. Very early on, Helen stresses that her book is not intended to be a guidebook for how to be a trans partner which made me smile. I know this is not a guide, yet there are still so many points in her book at which I, and my husband go "aha.....yep, hmnnnnn" in recognition and familiarity. Helen's writing style is very conversational which is why she is very easy to read.

Helen reassures us all who are in a trans relationship (and I do mean all) that it's OK to explore, get things wrong (from a partners' point of view.....pro-nouns usually, or a feeling of confusion over their own "role"), it's OK to want to crave what society would have us believe is a "normal" partner, and not a trans one. It's all OK, because this is part of learning about you, your partner and who you are together. In fact, Helen actually admits that she still (at time of publication) gets the language wrong sometimes.

As you read about Helen and Betty's life, Helen explains how she now has to work with Betty through the fact that transition is a serious and meaningful word in their marriage. She asks the same questions of herself I am sure most partners in trans relationships ask, no matter when they find out, be it before the wedding (as in my case), or after 25 years of marriage and three children. If Betty transitions fully, where does Helen fit in? She would still be Betty's wife, but would people see them as a lesbian couple with being Helen the "butch one"?

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At this point, I am still sat there reading the book, nodding making noises such as "aha.....yep, hmnnnnn".

"Being by Betty's side, and exploring who I once was, am and might be has made me much more aware of the pressure to be one or the other in acceptable, socially approved ways. It bears down on everyone."

Raising many questions and leaving the answers open to the readers own interpretation and experience; Helens articulate writing style provokes thought about ones' own situation. For example, when explaining about Betty not wishing to have genital reassignment surgery and how that would leave Betty ("a woman with a penis"), and how that might play out in the emergency room, I think about my own situation with my husband. It made me think, and made me open up discussions with my husband.

It's not a self help book for wannabe trans partners. It's not a self obsessed memoir of someone who has married a guy who is actually trans. It is simply truth, written down in such a way, the reader is able to recognise certain parts. Touching on politics, self exploration, consideration over what may be, sex, gender roles, you are enlightened without being confused, and let's face it, some of us really don't need added confusion!

Helen might not be for everyone, but from the point of view of a 30 something year old wife of someone who fits somewhere under the transgender umbrella, it's refreshing, not at all patronising but most importantly, it is honest which makes it valuable to all members of the trans community.

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Charlotte

30 something year old wife of someone who fits under the "trans" umbrella.

© Copyright Women Of the Beaumont Society (WOBS)
12.09.08